birthday letter to Doglet Mum

Dear Mum

Big Lady iz tell Doglet time write annual birthday letter home tell you all news.

Big Lady iz say frankly it hav been bit of a shit year. Doglet iz now live in diff house what Big Lady bought cos iz match Doglet better. Everything grey, black, white and only CAT what iz horrible shade of ginger not blend in at all do not know why him even still here.

Only problem with new house iz wooden floor in bedroom mean cannot get enough grip leap on bed at night, but Doglet iz hav ingenious solve problem discover that click click click toenails running very fast around bed while WUF WUF WUF seem to very quickly do trick and persuade Big Lady pick up chuck on bed.

Big smelly boy now so big Doglet cannot even see him knees cept when him doing press-ups constantly what cos in army. Small shouty girl still mostly small shouty and do gymnastics all time frequently land on Doglet when camoflauged as sofa cushion.  Medium sized boy still best cuddler and hav now grow fringe so long cannot see out of it like Doglet eyebrowziz when need grooming - iz make note tell Big Lady book he in same time, helpful Doglet.

Big Lady have new friend call SolHingeEar what iz take Doglet early morn walks and let off lead join in aerobics in park, him think hilarious, unlike Big Lady who still total no fun when it come to let Doglet chase joggers and shouty shouty at he "iz get me into trouble you bastard" etc.

Big Lady iz get new job which anticipate mean more money for sosijs, so all in all Doglet iz happy.  

Send big love Mum. 
Doglet xx

Iz Guarding Dog

Dear Big Lady

Stop you shouty shouty. Doglet iz not intend eat CAT food.  Doglet iz just hover very near CAT while him eat and keep watch in case anyone try steal he food.  Iz fierce guarding dog. Grrrr.

Iz not even like CAT food.  If CAT food mysteriously be in Doglet beard later, can only must be because CAT iz have put it there when Doglet schloofing.  CAT iz try frame Doglet.  Iz call Woof Solicitors bout unfair allegations.

Regards
Doglet

Reconsider the diet

Dear Big Lady

Iz sorry bout upchuck on white sofa, upchuck on white carpet, upchuck on you best non-washable jumper what had fall on floor.

Iz not sure what means: "why can't bloody throw up on bloody tiled floor what easy to clean instead go all way into bloody lounge FGS" but Doglet iz v apologeticking.

Iz think most probably not got nuffink to do with inhale food in 3 secs but iz more likely upchucking iz allergy to new YUK LOW FAT dogfood.  what iz LOW FAT?

Iz not understand.

IZ TASTE LIKE BLEEDIN CRAP

Regards,
Doglet

Finn is not especially quick off the mark when it comes to supper time

Dear Big Lady

Iz do not know why you get so cross shouty shouty bout Doglet iz keep eat CAT food.  Him iz v slow eater, iz deliberate chew each mouthful 156 times make Doglet suffer what have gulped own food in 2 mouthful while CAT been eat for 3.5 hours and still be chewchewchew, while Doglet stand there say "iz need some help CAT?  iz more food there than you iz manage? iz let Doglet know anytime if think would need assistance" but him just keep chewchewchew look malevolent and threaten.

Doglet iz merely help he out.  Kind Doglet.

Regards
Doglet

the law of attraction

Dear Big Lady

I iz must apologise it been so long since Doglet iz hav writ.

Iz hav been v extremely busy working on Dogself, by Dogself, For Dogself.

Iz hav been experiment with diff eastern mystical philosophy, rebalance chakra, read bout find fulfilment within.  Doglet iz hav FLIRT with veganism but iz turn out vegan sosij bleedin disgusting ew yuk (btw if you iz hav any sosij, doglet iz be glad help you out when hav gap in schedule from meditation, steal food from bleedin cat, and chase small fluffy squeaky squirrel around house woofing madly).

Doglet iz notice you also been bit busy and iz want reassure you that even when rest of life iz be mad bleedin chaos, doglet iz do love you.  ALSO iz notice you iz eat croissant. It look v tasty.  Doglet iz would like eat some croissant too. If iz possible.  Iz asking universe for croissant but universe keep just giving boring dog food.

Kind regards
Doglet

Announcement

Humans:

It has come to my attention that your pet has been sending unauthorised communications.

I note that you have failed, as yet, to hire me a properly trained & adequate team of staff, and therefore I have, reluctantly, undertaken with my own paws the task of "extracting" from your pet the appropriate passwords for this account.  I am sure that when your pet returns from the basement in which I have locked it, it will be fully compliant with my Corporate Communications objectives.

I will, on this occasion, let slip your tardiness in appointing my henchmen, but in the interim, I will require the following:

1. The red chairs in the kitchen do not complement ginger cats. Aesthetics are important. Replace them immediately.

2. The food service is unsatisfactory.  Crunchy biscuits in green plastic bowls may be suitable for your pet, but I cannot imagine why you thought they would please me.  I require salami, twice a day, on a white china plate.

I will let you know when further issues arise, and am sure you will soon learn my way of doing things.

Phineas El Moggo

theft

Dear Big Lady

Pls tell you bleedin CAT iz DOGLET food in red wobbly box, not CAT food.  Him iz too stupid get food out of wobbly box not like intelligent doglet.  Him iz watch and when you iz not look him try steal Doglet food.  Him iz hiss under breath and be very threaten.  Iz sneaky and mean. Total mystery what you see in he. On plus side, Doglet iz notice you very grateful now what iz do not scratch bleedin sofa and keep jumping up on table steal salami. Iz knew you really fond of dogsiz under all.

Kind regards
Doglet