Announcement

Humans:

It has come to my attention that your pet has been sending unauthorised communications.

I note that you have failed, as yet, to hire me a properly trained & adequate team of staff, and therefore I have, reluctantly, undertaken with my own paws the task of "extracting" from your pet the appropriate passwords for this account.  I am sure that when your pet returns from the basement in which I have locked it, it will be fully compliant with my Corporate Communications objectives.

I will, on this occasion, let slip your tardiness in appointing my henchmen, but in the interim, I will require the following:

1. The red chairs in the kitchen do not complement ginger cats. Aesthetics are important. Replace them immediately.

2. The food service is unsatisfactory.  Crunchy biscuits in green plastic bowls may be suitable for your pet, but I cannot imagine why you thought they would please me.  I require salami, twice a day, on a white china plate.

I will let you know when further issues arise, and am sure you will soon learn my way of doing things.

Phineas El Moggo

theft

Dear Big Lady

Pls tell you bleedin CAT iz DOGLET food in red wobbly box, not CAT food.  Him iz too stupid get food out of wobbly box not like intelligent doglet.  Him iz watch and when you iz not look him try steal Doglet food.  Him iz hiss under breath and be very threaten.  Iz sneaky and mean. Total mystery what you see in he. On plus side, Doglet iz notice you very grateful now what iz do not scratch bleedin sofa and keep jumping up on table steal salami. Iz knew you really fond of dogsiz under all.

Kind regards
Doglet

new best friend

Dear Big Lady

Doglet iz do what you ask and stop woof at bleedin CAT. Good Doglet.

CAT however iz be deliberately provocative.  Him iz sit in high up places what not especially convenient for Doglet what have small little legziz and when you iz not watch, him iz look very menacing at Doglet.

Iz be honest: not see attraction of CAT.  Iz leave fur everywhere, yuk, disgusting, not like Doglet what iz just occasionally get bits of leafs/twigs/unidentified gloop what iz not poo just mud in beard and eyebrowziz.

Iz heard that curiosity kill CAT - Doglet iz be grateful if you iz let me know how soon that likely to be.

Kind regards,
Doglet

found out

Dear Big Lady

Cease you complaining.  Sunshiney today. And when iz sunny, you iz do love me.  Iz can tell by way you snuffle Doglet ears. so - HA! IN YOU FACE!

Warm regards,
Doglet

ps iz fond of you too. Sometimes. When you iz hav sosijs, mostly.

Because we need more pets

Dear Big Lady

Iz bit concerned hear you on phone say talk about getting CAT.  What iz CAT?  Iz hav nasty feeling CAT is small fluffy hissy thing like what iz must woof at when see sitting on wall.  

Why iz need 'nother fluffy thing?  
Iz you say Doglet iz not bleedin' fluffy enough for you?  

CAT iz will not be sleeping in Doglet bed, I iz assure you. Will be consult Woof Solicitors if any sort of preferential treatment iz be meted out.  

Iz truly cannot believe you iz would try this.  Iz you did learn nothing from when Leonard did visit?

Iz will NEVER EVER be friends with bleedin CAT.  

Regards
Doglet