We Need To Talk About Leonard

Dear Big Lady

When you iz say "oh doglet, we christmas visitors iz bring they PUPPY for you play with, iz be SUPER FUN", i iz was not expect... Leonard.

Leonard is not PUPPY.  Leonard is bleedin GIGANTO-DOG. Massive.

Doglet iz show he blog: Leonard iz say "wuf".  Doglet iz try engage he in chat bout dog rights in postmodern society: Leonard iz say "wuf".

Leonard iz not exactly what you iz would call a good conversationalist. Leonard most favourite hobby iz pee on floor.  How iz could possibly imagine Doglet iz would have anything in common with he?

Only thing iz can say in he defence iz he not exactly quick off the mark when it come to dinner time, heh heh, Leonard iz might be BIT peckish tomor.

Doglet iz plan sit in basket look worried till Leonard go home.  Iz soon? Please? Make it be soon?

Regards,
Doglet

hef in the house

Dear Big Lady

I iz just chillin with Hugh Hefner.  Hef iz check he Facebook. Talking to bunnies. Doglet iz would like chat to bunnies. When iz Doglet allowed be old enough have Facebook pls?

Regards
Doglet 

comfortably mum

Dear Big Lady

I iz like you new jumper.

iz very.... reassuring.

pls wear jumper more often.

Kind regards,
Doglet

Magic carpet

Dear Big Lady

Many thanks for buying Doglet magic carpet. Iz v excited, planning trip World Of Sosij expo 2014.

Hmm. There iz seem be problem with magic carpet.  Iz been shopping in £1 store AGAIN?









Iz any chance you could give it starter 

motor kick for Doglet?  Iz will just wait here.

Iz be honest. Iz probably most disappoint present you iz ever have give Doglet.  





















Worsetesiz than when you iz steal Doglet delicious favourite slipper and say "play with this BORING duck what squeak instead my bleedin slipper, bloody dog, grr bloody grr".

Even worsetesiz than the tasty treat what in fact was worming tablet yuck.  

Even more Totally Bleedin Worsetesiz than time you say "Doglet we iz go see lovely vet lady" and her did STAB Doglet with needlesiz and did SPRAY yuck up nose, i iz certainly not fall for THAT again.

Iz expecting big things from Christmas this year, iz can tell you.

Regards,
Doglet

seasons greetingzis

Dear Big Lady

dis year Doglet iz ONLY want be Virgin Mary in nativity. iz not want be bleedin sheep again, go 'baa' look like total bleedin idiot in front all friends. iz not want be cow either or chicken or any other stupid animal.  only MARY, ok?  please sort out.

Kind regards
Doglet

sinister goings-on

Dear Big Lady

















Iz sorry bother you while you iz clearly busy staring middle distance thinking bout shoes, but iz got serious concerns bout other members from underground resistance schnauzer group what iz hav said focus on gettin more sosij iz bourgeois trivial goal. 

iz hav taken pictureziz with Doglet secret camera and seems they iz unduly swayed by charismatic leader what bin reading to them from Big Smelly Boy's "How Things Work" book and notwithstanding fact that book still think "sony walkman" a brilliant modern idea and that one day we iz may have "mobile" phones instead strange dialydialy one plugged into wall, Doglet iz bit concerned that purity of original socialist cooperative ideal iz be polluted.  

Iz any chance you iz could sort out as tbh iz getting bit worried set foot upstairs in case iz be ambushed brainwashed tortured which not on Doglet list for today.

Regards
Doglet

the forming of a new connection

Dear Big Lady

Look, iz actually quite busy here, iz something you wanted or just here ask for more advice about you writing from Doglet what iz something of expert re. journalism?

Actually while you loitering, iz prob good time let you know, Doglet iz been reading up on history of trade union and decided work together with other schnauzers form cooperative slash pressure group slash underground resistance.

first demand is more sosij. we iz tell you others once generally poor conditions for schnauzers here more favourable.

Regards
Doglet

Professional rivalry

Dear Big Lady

I iz understand you iz sneakily while go tiptaptiptap on computer been writing so called "column" for newspaper.  

Iz not at ALL sure room in this house for two writers and just want to make clear that any let up in typing up Doglet's letters iz will be regarded as animal cruelty and deal with appropriately. 

Iz hav sought legal advice from Woof Solicitors what say suggest ensure clear firewallsiz and iron curtainsiz between you so called "writing" and Doglet important literary work. 

Alternatively Doglet iz would be willing, at you expense, hire PA do typing fromheretoforeforward. Iz suggest Ruby the Beautiful & Wonderful Dogsitter All Hail (amen) iz be ideal candidate; please ask she bring sosijs and typewriter.

Good luck with you...."attempt".

Regards,
Doglet

Entrapment

Dear Big Lady

When you iz say "oh doglet, shall we iz go out for lovely long walk, you iz can roll in mud and leaves and twiggy bitses and pieces and you iz can sniff as much disgusting unidentified manky stuff as you please" you iz did NOT AT ANY POINT mention you iz was planning give me bleedin' bath afterwards.

Iz been on phone to Woof Solicitors what say iz entrapment and cruel & unusual punishment.  So take this as warning.

If you iz need me again today, I iz shall be sulking under eyebrowziz looking glum.

Regards
Doglet

The Big Cheese

Dear Big Lady

I notice you iz have some cheese for lunch.

Iz not sure what you mean by "a triumph of hope over experience, Missy" so iz will just continue sit here staring at you bit longer, OK?

Kind regards
Doglet

where is Jeeves when you need him?

Dear Big Lady

Even though door iz be open for 2 hours and Doglet iz not show any desire or interest in going outdoorziz, now you iz close door go gym (which by the way iz no fun for Doglet cannot sit on you yoga mat and get in way chewing random unidentified manky stuff keep you company), I iz propose sit here look extremely bleedin' downcast and forlornly gaze out window wishing could go outdoorziz.

Iz will be here when you get back. Feeling sad.  Just in case you iz wondering.  

Regards
Doglet

PS iz they sell sosijs at gym?  please bring back if so as cold weather make doglet extremely peckish.

But is it art, Missy?

Dear Big Lady

In probably futile attempt channel disappointment & distress bout you iz come back from holidayz collect doglet from Ruby The Beautiful & Amazingly Wonderful DogSitter, all hail, may she be revered for she iz let doglet eat One Month's Worth Food In Eight Days, amen, iz decided do some artwork.  

Iz made composition using found objects.  No, mitten not "stolen", do not iz be ridiculous and shouty shouty "where did you iz find that iz been looking for it since winter, bloody grrrr".  

You iz submit for Turner Prize (iz would do self if you iz stop tiptaptiptap looking up 'black leather skirt size 8' on eBay, how old iz do you think are, anyway, hey?) please, and when doglet iz do win six million pounds iz have enough money to call taxi and get Ruby The Beautiful & Amazingly Wonderful DogSitter, all hail etc, look after doglet permanently.

Regards
Doglet

Unrepentant

Dear Big Lady

FGS you iz do not let me have any fun EVER, do you?

iz KNOW you said not go out on own, but nice fence man next door did helpfully take fence down and did helpfully leave garden gate open so i iz did ASSUME you iz would not mind if went for stroll.

first iz did go for mooch round lake.  much more fun not on BORING lead.  tear around. sniff all disgusting unidentified manky items without you say "LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE YUCK STOP IT" all bleedin' time.

then did meet nice lady, say "hmm iz you lost, most beautifullest doglet what i hav ever seen?" (she did, she DID say, honest), and i iz did think MAYBE she hav sosijs so went with nice lady and she dog, had playdate at she house.  iz was hav fun.  independent doglet.  interesting stuff not BORING like at home.

then you iz did turn up, before even got CHANCE to find out if any sosijs.  cannot believe it.  missed opportunity, now will never know.

you iz OWE me sosijs.  AT LEAST. i iz got Woof Solicitors on speed dial if not...

Regards,
Doglet

iz birthday letter to mum!

Dear Mum

iz sorry hav taken me so long to write, Big Lady incessantly tiptaptiptap on computer, make it difficult Doglet get a look in, iz can only assume she expecting phonecall from Mark Zuckerberg any min now say "i iz pay you one million dollars or whole fabric of Facebook collapse without you".

you iz ask how iz go training of Big Lady. tbh sometimes i iz do wonder if she really understand what we iz doing here, FGS iz not hard, but iz hav patience. 

she RECALL iz not BAD, but sometimes she stand on FAR OFF other side of field shout for help when clearly i iz going in other direction to chase car/dog/interesting leaf/unidentified manky stuff.  she need try harder keep up as tbh iz bit bleedin annoying having keep come back, find she, point in right way what doglet iz going.

she AGILITY iz good.  iz totally got hang of give doglet biscuit when i iz climb up ramp, go through tunnel, jump through hoop etc, well done.

iz now excellent at waking up middle night lift me onto she bed even though iz perfectly capable jumping up but iz sometimes a bit tiredy little legs by 2am and PREFER help.

iz expert at ENTERTAINMENT OF DOGS.  Iz partickly appreciate v funny shouty dance she iz done when iz did chew to pieces tasty suede shoe what she left in box on stairs behind locked babygate (iz was CHALLENGE!!!)

some days she hav grumpy face say "oh i iz had ENUFF of going out bleedin mud and rain", but once iz out in fields, and wind or sun in hair, doing little dancings to music on ipod, say "you iz alright, little doglet friend" and i iz know all iz well.

Love you, Mum,

Doglet x

iz not need bleedin' bath

Dear Big Lady

Iz not need bloody bath.

Not not not not.

Iz fashion for doglets have all bits of stick stuck in paws and all bits of twiggy leafses stuck in tail and all manky bits of brown yuck what iz not poo just mud on back FGS i iz do not know when you gotted so fussy.

Iz need HAIRCUT.  cannot see bleedin thing.  NOT BATH.  ok?  haircut iz will do job nicely.  NOT bath.  nice ladies at Mucky Pups iz give doglet good treats and iz say "oh is most beautifullest doglet EVER" not like you say grumblegrumblestinkygetawaynotonmybedyoudon't.  you iz go tiptaptiptap on computer and send messij nice ladies. ok?  NOT BATH. 

Regards

Doglet

Country Feedback/I'll take the rain

Dear Big Lady

I iz know we only been out for 15 minutes walk so far, but iz bit hot & tireded, so iz going to have small shloof here in daisies.

I iz acknowledge that you iz was planning v long walk hoping to listen to you new REM Unplugged '91/'01 cd on you iPod in peace without Small Shouty Girl say "can we listen to Let It Go from Frozen as hav only heard it at top volume approx 435 times already this morn?" and without Medium Sized Boy say "mummy what iz you most favourite Lego Chima? mummy what iz you 2nd most favourite Lego Chima? mummy your 3rd favourite Lego Chima and your 4th favourite Lego Chima?" etc.

But schnauzers, while not being keen on rain, iz also, it turns out, not too keen on being overly-warm either. Iz all the fluff, see?  But do not fear, Doglet iz got brilliant plan.  Next time sunny, you iz bring dog bed, bowl, water, blanket, maybe a few sosijs if you gotted, we iz hide quietly on far side of field for 45 mins.  Iz be our secret.

Regards,
Doglet

My Heart So Blue - May 2014

Dear Big Lady

Today iz feelin rather blue.  iz did try lie on sofa.  iz still feel blue.

Iz did lurk under breakfast bar and hoover up crumbles.  iz still feel blue.

iz did sit on sofa again. other end.  sometimes nicer.  iz feel so blue iz think will cry.

Iz v grateful for offer of sosij but iz feel so sad that not even sosij iz cheer up doglet.  Iz think, if you iz not mind, Big Lady, iz just would like be wrapped in warm towel and snuggle til little doggy heart feel nice again.

aaaaaaah.  iz much better.  thank you.

love
Doglet

golden delicious - 25 april 2014

Dear Big Lady

iz bit hungry.  iz would PREFER sosijs but if not gotted some then iz would like eat your apple.

what iz you expect me do with this?  iz on FLOOR now.  disgusting.  how iz supposed to pick up?  iz not even sosij.

iz not eating off floor.  iz would like somebody to HOLD it for me. iz much better that way.

ah!  here iz Big Smelly Boy.  Iz home from school go tiptaptiptap on computer.  i iz wonder if will let me have some of his apple?

see? SEE?  Big Smelly Boy is not mind HOLD apple for doglet like what you iz would do if you iz was not mucking about with less important stuff what iz not involve doglet.  iz feel very sad and neglected now.  iz probably will not perk up until get sosij.  just saying.

Regards
Doglet

surprise! april 2014

Dear Big Lady

I iz know you did say "no tattoos no piercings til you iz big grown up" but HA! YOU IZ NOT THE BOSS OF ME.  while you iz did sit there say "hmmm shall i iz get small tiny tattoo on foot or iz too frighted will pass out like last time and look like TOTAL WUSS" big brave doglet iz did go get nose stud.

iz does look v stylish. and iz did not pass out in heap like certain person.

only thing. iz not sure if still be able smell sosijs.  iz prob good idea give doglet sosij now just to check.

kind regards
Super Cool Doglet

happy 1st birthday Missy - July 2013

it is sunny today - March 2014

Dear Big Lady. 

Weather iz much more acceptable. 

Now you iz just need cut bloody hair so iz can actually SEE out of beard & eyebrowsiz and not iz get all overheated. 

Regards, 
Doglet

ps iz QUITE hungry. just in case you iz thinking "ooo doglet iz looking a bit thin, i iz better give her sosij".

canine rights - august 2013

Dear Madam. 

Iz writin on behalf Doglet. 

I iz not Doglet, no, iz big legal orfority. Iz time somedoggy tell you what dogs iz got Canine Rights. Iz got right to go upstairs, schloof on beds, schloof on chairs, etc. 

Iz mud? NO. Iz leafy bits from gardin? NO. Iz small bits of unidentified manky dead mouse/bird? NO! Iz just fluffy Doglet. So what is you complaining bout? 

I iz, I mean, Doglet iz going to stay wiv nice friend while you iz THINK about what you iz done. Doglet iz come back when you iz ready talk. Or when food iz run out. 

Yours truly,
Woof Solicitors

anniversary - september 2013

Dear Mum. 

Iz One Whole Year ago you did cuff me on the bonce and say "off you go, Gem, this peoples seem nice, you iz big doglet now, have fun, bye bye". I iz sorry has taken me so long to write but hav been busy with legal action, of which more later, not to mention, the Big Lady she keep all the pens in high up cupboards.

First off, name iz now Missy. The Beardy Man he kept call me Missy, also calls Small Shouty Girl 'Missy' so iz bit confuseballs. Does NOT call Big Lady 'Missy' so think he not so fond of her as of me. Understandable.

There is nice Big Smelly Boy here. He iz take me for walk every day after school like he promised Big Lady. He iz complain A LOT about it and Big Lady does say "ooo wanted a dog, eh? was it me? no" and off we go, muttering under breath.

Also Small Boy here. He iz bestest of all. When it all iz get too shouty he just quietly pootle off and we iz cuddle under blanket and he iz does let me sleep on his bed. The Big Lady keep shouty shouty shouty all the bleedin time "you iz not allowed upstairs! no no no!". But don't worry, Mum, I iz got top legal team on it.

Small Shouty Girl iz keep trying to put bracelets and hairclips on me. I iz do not know what THAT is all about. I iz practice growling at her. She iz not seem that scared, I iz not understand why what with being gimassively enormous ferocious doglet. Iz got any tips, Mum?

The Big Lady even though what iz saying all the bleedin time "i iz not even want bloody dog", "i iz told you before i iz not want my slippers chewed", etc, iz pretty nice sometimes and does hug me every day and snuffle my ears and say "i do not love you i iz just doing this cos you got nice ears" and iz take me on big walks and iz trim my bum hair and iz sleep on sofa next to me all night when had been to scary vet. So iz all OK, I think.

Love,
Gem Doglet x

It is still raining - january 2014

Dear Big lady

Iz not sure what wasn't clear in last letter but in case you iz not noticed, iz raining again. Iz not want to do wee in rain, iz not want to do poo in rain. When weather better, you iz let me know and I iz have a look out window and let you know if ok for doglet go out in. Iz also intending cry at back door, pitiful, til you iz apologise for making this horridible weather what iz not nice for schnauzers.

I iz hesitate get Woof Solicitors involved again, I iz think we both remember what happen last time, I iz not want rub your nose in it, til now, iz be tactful and not mention, but remember when you iz said "no doglets not sleep on beds"? how iz did that one turn out for you, hey, hmmm? So iz not kidding this time.

I know you iz say "but doglet you iz not done a wee for 18 hours, how iz possible, I hope you iz not done secret wee in far off corner of house", well, iz be good game for you to find out, iz not saying, enigmatic doglet. iz will give you something to do except from tiptaptiptap on your computer.

Regards
Doglet

tiny plastic elephant - january 2014

Dear BigLady. 

While you iz get drink, I iz brung tiny plastic elephant and put carefully on you exercize mat. 

Iz thoughtful gift from loving doglet? Or iz VERY HILARIOUS joke wot iz cos you iz do go HUFF PUFF HUFF like big giant stinky elephant when you iz do exercize? you decide. 

heh heh heh. 

Love, doglet

p.s. iz any chance nother sosij? iz bin long time since breakfast.

it is raining - january 2014

cheese savouries - april 2014

Dear Big Lady. 

I iz have always loved you. 

I iz think your new hair it looks very nice shiny. I iz very much preciate how you iz take me out for walk every day even when iz cold and you need wear funny hat. I iz grateful what you do feed me and cuddle me and snuffle my ears.

I iz do think you iz saint and make 3 different meals every day for the big smelly boy and the little shouty girl and the medium sized boy what iz talk to you about his match attax cards incessantly. also iz think your hair v nice, did i iz did mention that? and that is all i iz wanted tell you. 

oh! 

also i iz JUST WONDERING, JUST PONDERING and MUSING whether iz by any chance you iz got any more of those cheese savouries snacks what you iz did accidentally just drop one of on the floor just now?

 Love, Doglet
 xxxxx 

ps hair iz REALLY VERY NICE